Politics

Nothing Secedes Like Success

By Philip Proctor

To the Red States: We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all of the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Steve King. We get the Statue of Liberty; you get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft; you get WorldCom. We get Harvard, you get Ole’ Miss. We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs: you get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families; you get a bunch of struggling singles.

You will also have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred (unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws), 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 15% of Ohio Republicans believe Romney killed Ben Laden.

By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. Peace out!

“I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.” ~ Mitt Romney 

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Categories: Politics

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